Pregnancy 101

So…. If you didn’t know… WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?! We are expecting. I refuse to put a “due date” on it right now, but it is happening in November. Any sooner is bad news bears, any later and I will probably go crazy and kill somebody. We are expecting a little boy. This little man has a name selected by his father, but approved by his mother. (background: we had a deal. If it was a girl, my #1 pick won. If it was a boy, his #1 pick won.) My jaw almost hit the table when the first thing that flashed across that ultrasound screen (literally) was his little man business. No modesty at this point for my kid. Regardless of gender, we are thrilled to meet “Little”.

I have a feeling this post is going to be different than what I had anticipated, but I will try to keep it as rainbows&butterflies in the beginning as possible. Little already has a very distinct personality. He is feisty. I’m not just being a proud Mom- Ultrasound techs, nurses and doctors have all commented on this. Don’t you think about putting pressure on any part of HIS environment because he WILL kick back… just ask Milli, my family's Schnorkie, who felt Little kick when she put her paw on my always growing abdomen. 

This kid already has swag. I have a shoe obsession, he is the first grandchild on BOTH sides and we have been lucky enough to inherit A LOT of clothes from little boys a year older.

 As far as pregnancy goes… it has looked a lot less like this:

And a lot more like this:

I don’t know if I was just not MADE to be pregnant, or what the deal is, but it has been a rough go. I have this tendency of telling people “I’m doing ok. Ya, I feel fine” when asked, but truth is: I’m alive and getting by… even though a lot of days it doesn’t feel like it. (Today may not have been the best day to write this post). Pregnancy has been a lot of hanging out in the bathroom, passing out, IVs, migraines, finger pricking, malnourishment, hospitals, round ligament pain, dehydration, blood drawing, heart monitors, exhaustion, stress, hollow feelings, allergies without remedy, bathroom breaks, shaking, weight loss and nausea.

It started out as I heard it may. This. Girl. Was. Sick. Everyone talks about morning sickness, but I don’t think it gets enough credit for being as terrible as it truly is. For reasons I can't understand, throwing up for months has gained a reputation as being a funny rite of passage while pregnant. It’s not. It is more like being hungover with the flu non stop. When I finally got to go in for my first OBGYN appointment I found out I was even more so in the minority. Throwing up 10 times a day?? Not normal. The side effects of the medicines they give you to “curb it” (AKA take it down to about 5)?? Not acceptable. 

People make it seem as though they’re laughing along with you as you struggle to keep anything down, but you aren't laughing. They will either be completely unsympathetic, think it’s an amusing joke, or act like you are inconveniencing THEM in some way. Sorry, I just really have this thing for throwing up and hanging out in the bathroom. (Note: Unless they are your family and love you. Those people are your happy place)

The alternative to throwing up?? A slow heaving in the pit of your stomach that lasts 23 hours of the day. Hey, gotta feel good sometime. All of my great intentions to fill my unborn child with vitamins from healthy foods recommended fell apart as I tried to sustain myself with my four major food groups: mashed potatoes, nachos, peaches and Wendy’s baked potatoes. Oh, and what everyone says about ginger?? It doesn't work. Good thing it is only your first trimester, right?? No. That is a lie too… in my case anyway. “you are just one of those unlucky ones” jee….thanks.

Sleep?? Whoa. The first trimester, it’s not even worth it to try to stay awake. You can’t fight it. You can’t sleep your way into more energy. You'll feel narcoleptic…

I heard a rumor that the second trimester you won’t be able to sleep. You will be full of energy. Who needs sleep!?? I needed sleep. When the constant ailments allowed me to, you better believe I did.

The third trimester, thus far, has been more reminiscent of the first trimester exhaustion with added weight to the midsection. I want to sleep all the time but will not be able to. Once I’m comfortable and dozing off, I either need to take a potty break AGAIN, or Little has decided that it’s time to throw a uterus rave or practice his karate. Honestly, I can’t help but smile when it is the latter. As far as that “Get used to it. You aren’t going to be getting sleep for a verrrryyy long time” goes- that is not words of wisdom that any pregnant gal appreciates. Ever. So please, truth or not, keep it to yourself.

Everything seems to hurt. Your head, your boobs, your teeth, your feelings, your back, your belly, your thighs, your ring finger, your wrist, your sinuses, E V E R Y T H I N G. If nothing hurts, something may be wrong- get it checked out. If everything hurts too much, something is probably wrong- get it checked out.

People will try to be sympathetic, but at the end of the day I have been the one that has felt like an inconvenience. Maybe this is why no one talks about these things. I really appreciate Spence through all of this. It has been a rough go. He has really come into a new form of himself in the sympathy department. He is going through all of this for the first time too. It makes me feel bad that he feels helpless with it. I appreciate knowing he would fix it if he could, in any way possible. Our families have also been irreplaceable.

The part that has taken a large toll on me, that surprises me that no one ever discusses is the emotional toll. Even though you’re literally never alone, pregnancy can be a very lonely time. "It's just your hormones," everyone says and kind of shrugs. True enough… to a certain degree. For the last 29 weeks I have been terrified to express any negative feelings or emotions in fear of being perceived as a bad mother. I know that isn’t the case, but does everyone else?? I already love Little more than I could have ever imagined. I worry about his health, daydream about what he’ll look like and the highlight of my days are when he is most active. So why do I underplay these emotions? I often feel like a fragment of myself. I have to perform the same daily routines to the best of my ability, I look like a (pregnant version of) me and to outsiders I am probably just the same old Caroline- with a bun in the oven who is being highly dramatic. I am aware of things, but not functioning like I usually do and that is frustrating. Everything that I feel like I work(ed) so hard at feels as though it is becoming obsolete. My job, my schooling, my pride in my physical appearance… all of them have been affected. I am constantly told “don’t stress. Don’t stress. Don’t stress.” HOW CAN I NOT STRESS? Yes, my job is protected with my FMLA, but is my reputation at work protected? Yes, my schooling was understanding of my situation, but am I proud that I had to go in and talk to them about it at all?? I try not to feel like a “big loser” (words I use to describe how I feel to my husband and Mom), but during this phase of my life I don’t feel much like myself at all. I talked to my OBGYN about it and she was helpful. “If you’re not feeling quite like yourself, remember that you’re not. You are yourself AND your baby. This pregnancy will end and you will get not only yourself back, but you will get this little guy.” I really needed to hear that and sometimes I wish I felt like more people felt that way and treated me that way, instead of like a situation they tolerate. 

With all of that said, give your pregnant friend a hug. She needs it. Whether pregnancy is a breeze or a nightmare, it is still pregnancy. I have developed a whole new respect for women after going through this. My Mom, especially. Mom, thank you. And to my Little, I can’t wait to meet you. Even knowing what going through this has been like, I’d do it again knowing I get to hold you in my arms come November. Your Dad and I already love you so much it HURTS. <3

Til next time… and I promise a more upbeat post SOON.