So…. If you didn’t know… WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?! We are
expecting. I refuse to put a “due date” on it right now, but it is happening in
November. Any sooner is bad news bears, any later and I will probably go crazy
and kill somebody. We are expecting a little boy. This little man has a name
selected by his father, but approved by his mother. (background: we had a deal.
If it was a girl, my #1 pick won. If it was a boy, his #1 pick won.) My jaw
almost hit the table when the first thing that flashed across that ultrasound
screen (literally) was his little man business. No modesty at this point for my
kid. Regardless of gender, we are thrilled to meet “Little”.
I have a feeling
this post is going to be different than what I had anticipated, but I will try
to keep it as rainbows&butterflies in the beginning as possible. Little
already has a very distinct personality. He is feisty. I’m not just being a
proud Mom- Ultrasound techs, nurses and doctors have all commented on this. Don’t
you think about putting pressure on any part of HIS environment because he WILL
kick back… just ask Milli, my family's Schnorkie, who felt Little kick when she
put her paw on my always growing abdomen.
This kid already has swag. I have a shoe obsession, he is
the first grandchild on BOTH sides and we have been lucky enough to inherit A
LOT of clothes from little boys a year older.
As far as pregnancy goes… it has looked a lot less like
this:
And a lot more like this:
I don’t know if I was just not MADE to be pregnant, or
what the deal is, but it has been a rough go. I have this tendency of telling
people “I’m doing ok. Ya, I feel fine” when asked, but truth is: I’m alive and getting
by… even though a lot of days it doesn’t feel like it. (Today may not have been
the best day to write this post). Pregnancy has been a lot of hanging out in
the bathroom, passing out, IVs, migraines, finger pricking, malnourishment,
hospitals, round ligament pain, dehydration, blood drawing, heart monitors, exhaustion,
stress, hollow feelings, allergies without remedy, bathroom breaks, shaking,
weight loss and nausea.
It started out as I heard it may. This. Girl. Was. Sick.
Everyone talks about morning sickness, but I don’t think it gets enough credit
for being as terrible as it truly is. For reasons I can't understand, throwing up for months has gained a
reputation as being a funny rite of passage while pregnant. It’s not. It is more like being
hungover with the flu non stop. When I finally got to go in for my first OBGYN appointment
I found out I was even more so in the minority. Throwing up 10 times a day??
Not normal. The side effects of the medicines they give you to “curb it” (AKA
take it down to about 5)?? Not acceptable.
People make it seem as though they’re laughing along with you as
you struggle to keep anything down, but you aren't laughing. They will either be completely
unsympathetic, think it’s an amusing joke, or act like you are
inconveniencing THEM in some way. Sorry, I just really have this thing for
throwing up and hanging out in the bathroom. (Note: Unless they are your family
and love you. Those people are your happy place)
The alternative to throwing
up?? A slow heaving in the pit of your stomach that lasts 23 hours
of the day. Hey, gotta feel good sometime. All of my great intentions to fill my unborn
child with vitamins from healthy foods recommended fell apart as I tried to
sustain myself with my four major food groups: mashed potatoes, nachos,
peaches and Wendy’s baked potatoes. Oh, and what everyone says about ginger?? It doesn't
work. Good thing it is only your first trimester, right?? No. That is a lie too…
in my case anyway. “you are just one of those unlucky ones” jee….thanks.
Sleep?? Whoa. The first
trimester, it’s not even worth it to try to stay awake. You can’t fight it. You
can’t sleep your way into more energy. You'll feel narcoleptic…
I heard a rumor that the
second trimester you won’t be able to sleep. You will be full of energy. Who
needs sleep!?? I needed sleep. When the constant ailments allowed me to, you
better believe I did.
The third trimester, thus
far, has been more reminiscent of the first trimester exhaustion with added
weight to the midsection. I want to sleep all the time but will not be able to.
Once I’m comfortable and dozing off, I either need to take a potty break AGAIN,
or Little has decided that it’s time to throw a uterus rave or practice his
karate. Honestly, I can’t help but smile when it is the latter. As far as that “Get
used to it. You aren’t going to be getting sleep for a verrrryyy long time”
goes- that is not words of wisdom that any pregnant gal appreciates. Ever. So
please, truth or not, keep it to yourself.
Everything seems to hurt. Your head, your boobs, your teeth, your
feelings, your back, your belly, your thighs, your ring finger, your wrist,
your sinuses, E V E R Y T H I N G. If nothing hurts, something may be wrong- get
it checked out. If everything hurts too much, something is probably wrong- get
it checked out.
People will try to be sympathetic, but at the end of the day I have been the one that has felt like an
inconvenience. Maybe this is why no one talks about these things. I really
appreciate Spence through all of this. It has been a rough go. He has really
come into a new form of himself in the sympathy department. He is going through
all of this for the first time too. It makes me feel bad that he feels helpless
with it. I appreciate knowing he would fix it if he could, in any way possible. Our families have also been irreplaceable.
The part that has taken a
large toll on me, that surprises me that no one ever discusses is the emotional
toll. Even though you’re literally never alone, pregnancy can be a very lonely
time. "It's just your hormones," everyone says and kind of shrugs.
True enough… to a certain degree. For the last 29 weeks I have been terrified
to express any negative feelings or emotions in fear of being perceived as a
bad mother. I know that isn’t the case, but does everyone else?? I already love
Little more than I could have ever imagined. I worry about his health, daydream
about what he’ll look like and the highlight of my days are when he is most
active. So why do I underplay these emotions? I often feel like a fragment of
myself. I have to perform the same daily routines to the best of my ability, I
look like a (pregnant version of) me and to outsiders I am probably just the
same old Caroline- with a bun in the oven who is being highly dramatic. I am
aware of things, but not functioning like I usually do and that is frustrating.
Everything that I feel like I work(ed) so hard at feels as though it is
becoming obsolete. My job, my schooling, my pride in my physical appearance…
all of them have been affected. I am constantly told “don’t stress. Don’t
stress. Don’t stress.” HOW CAN I NOT STRESS? Yes, my job is protected with my
FMLA, but is my reputation at work protected? Yes, my schooling was
understanding of my situation, but am I proud that I had to go in and talk to
them about it at all?? I try not to feel like a “big loser” (words I use to
describe how I feel to my husband and Mom), but during this phase of my life I
don’t feel much like myself at all. I talked to my OBGYN about it and she was
helpful. “If you’re not feeling quite like yourself, remember that you’re not.
You are yourself AND your baby. This pregnancy will end and you will get not
only yourself back, but you will get this little guy.” I really needed to hear
that and sometimes I wish I felt like more people felt that way and treated me
that way, instead of like a situation they tolerate.
With all of that said, give
your pregnant friend a hug. She needs it. Whether pregnancy is a breeze or a
nightmare, it is still pregnancy. I have developed a whole new respect for
women after going through this. My Mom, especially. Mom, thank you. And to my
Little, I can’t wait to meet you. Even knowing what going through this has been
like, I’d do it again knowing I get to hold you in my arms come November. Your
Dad and I already love you so much it HURTS. <3
Til next time… and I promise
a more upbeat post SOON.
